I have a bounty of funnies today — all football related.
These are all courtesy of my co-workers:
An Auburn math professor comes in all ticked off and says, “You guys did very poorly on my test yesterday. I will not be surprised if half of you fail my class!”
A student raises his hand and the professor says “What?”
The student says, “But Professor, I’m the only one in the class.”
A man takes his wife, (who used to be an Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that “If you shoot a deer, don’t let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it… it’s their deer!”
He’s in his stand for hardly 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming, “It’s your deer lady. It’s your deer. Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!”
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Iron Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes his seat is in the last row in the upper deck. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and make his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man says “No”.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Auburn-Alabama game and not use it?!” The man replies, “Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Iron Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1960.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” Joe said, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”
“No,” the man relied, They’re all at the funeral!”
An Auburn city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer living outside Tuscaloosa. The farmer’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the farmer had signed the release and took the check, the Auburn lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old farmer replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
What do two quarters at the bottom of a toilet and an Auburn cheerleader have in common?
Everyone sees them but no one picks them up.
What do you call an Auburn football player with a National Championship ring?
What’s the difference between an Auburn fan and a litter of puppies?
After 6 weeks, the puppies stop whining.
A young boy and his mother were in the cemetery visiting the grave of a loved one. They came upon a headstone that read, “Here lies a Auburn graduate and an honest man.” The boy then asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two men in there?”
An Auburn football player was bragging to a group of co-eds that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 3 months. One girl said, “Three months? You’re proud of that?” The Aubie said, “Yep. On the box it said 4-6 years!”
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, “I’d like a pair of blue shoes, a orange shirt, a pair of white pants.”
The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, “You must be an Auburn fan!”
The man proclaims with pride, “How could you tell, was it the color scheme?”
The clerk looks at him and says “No, this is a hardware store.”
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled “Alabama Football Player Brains”, $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.
The clerk replies, “Well, we’ve got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Auburn football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce.”
The man says, “Why the big difference in price?”
The clerk answers,”Do you know how many Auburn football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!”
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar, and twists, breaking the dog’s neck and killing him instantly.
A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “That was the most incredible act of bravery I’ve ever seen!” the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: “Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!”
The little hero sees this and says, “But sir, I’m not a Bama Fan, I’m an Auburn Fan!”
The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: “Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet”
What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
Please open other end.
Why is ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Auburn?
The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving! Can’t wait until Friday to see the big game!
ROLL TIDE ROLL!