Today’s funnies start off with these two from Don:
Baby’s First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied..
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’
Subject: Important Information from the CDC
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ’em.”
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008…but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It’s sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don’t engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
This funny is courtesy of Cookie:
There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!”
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise “Change”, but don’t count on things smelling any better.
This one is courtesy of my mother:
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare”. So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no damned clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and also feel guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday. This is a great country.
And last but not least, the latest cartoon from Simon’s Cat: