My apologies for the lack of funnies last week. I was out of town dealing with a family matter and had little internet access.
Today’s edition starts off with this one courtesy of Steve:
Three women who had been traveling together were in an accident, and died. They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked at them and said, “welcome to Heaven. You may go anywhere you like in Heaven and do whatever you want to do. However, no matter where you go, whatever you do, do NOT step on the ducks!”
Now this was going to be a problem, because there were ducks everywhere!
The three women were very careful where they stepped as they walked about Heaven. Then after about a month, the inevitable occurred and one of them stepped on a duck.
Immediately Saint Peter showed up, and with him was the ugliest man any of them had ever seen. “Because you stepped on a duck, you are to be chained to the ugliest man in all of Heaven for all eternity”. He slapped one end of the chain on the man’s wrist, and the other end on the wrist of the woman who had stepped on a duck.
The other two women were especially careful now. They didn’t want to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity. A good deal of time passed by, and one day the second woman stepped on a duck. Saint Peter arrived on the scene immediately, with a man in tow who was almost as ugly as the first. He gave the woman the same stern lecture, and she was chained to the ugliest man in Heaven for all eternity.
The third woman was determined that she was not going to suffer such a fate, so she was extremely careful everywhere she went. Then, one day, Saint Peter showed up with the most handsome man the woman had ever seen. This man was every woman’s ideal of what a handsome man should look like.
Saint Peter slapped the chain on the man’s wrist, and slapped the other end of the chain on the woman’s wrist and then went on his way.
The woman looked at the handsome man, smiled, batted her eyelashes and said, “I certainly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this!”
The man replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck”!
This one I may have shared before, but it’s an oldie but goodie:
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And last but not least, this gem is from Jerri:
If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways (& IN THE SNOWâ€”even if they grew up in the deep South!) â€¦ yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!
There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOD!!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
Also, we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!
And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!
See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
The Over 30 Crowd
How many of you are reading this while smiling and nodding? 😉