Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my pal Cookie:

I love GEICO’s commercials, and besides, who doesn’t love Gunny? I know I do.

Fears

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have irrational fears. Most people I know are afraid of “normal” things … you know, snakes, spiders, clowns, zombies, etc. Me? I get hung up over the intangible, or improbable. Ever since starting this job, one of those irrational fears has become heightened — being trapped in a free-falling elevator. Remember the first Resident Evil movie? Yeah, I always turn my head during that scene.

If I think about it logically, I know that the odds of one of the elevators at work experiencing a major harm-causing malfunction while I happen to be in it are astronomically low. In addition to that, all of the elevators have safety measures in place in the case of an emergency, such as power outage, cable or brake failure, etc. But the thought creeps into my mind every single time I step foot into one of those things.

Once I made the mistake of sharing this with one of my coworkers. Funny enough, she won’t ride in the elevator with me anymore.

So today I had overslept and didn’t have time to make my lunch, forcing me to head down to the mall to grab something from the food court. I boarded one of the elevators just like I do every day — this one happened to be one of the glass elevators (which I hate even more than the others). About halfway down, there was a loud “SNAP!”. The lights went out and the elevator screeched to a halt. “No big deal,” I kept telling myself. They’ve stopped before and would sometimes get “stuck”, sitting on certain floors, so you’d just have to get off and board another one.

But then it dropped. DROPPED! It wasn’t but just a few feet, but it was enough to make my heart skip a beat and suddenly every elevator nightmare I’d had came flooding back in an instant and I panicked.

OK, ‘panicked’ doesn’t even cover it — I. Flipped. My. Shit.

Sitting quietly for a second, my mind raced looking for answers:

“What should I do if I can’t get the doors open?”

“Where is the button I press to let someone know I’m trapped?”

“What do I do if it drops again?” Followed immediately by “No, don’t think like that, stupid!”

As if the elevator had read my mind, it dropped again for a few more feet, then opened its doors. Apparently the elevator had only dropped just enough to reach the next level so the doors could open (seeing out the window made it seem worse than it really was). I quickly leapt out of that thing as if my life depended on it. (which, in my panicked state of mind, it did!) I paced for the next minute, trying to calm myself and stop shaking — and trying to squelch the horrific scenarios playing out in my head.

About a minute later, I heard the power flicker back on, once again illuminating the car, and could hear the other cars moving along the levels above and below me. I could also see the other glass elevators moving along just fine … but I didn’t trust the motorized metallic bastard just yet. I decided it was safer to walk the next 9 stories down to the mall level, and kept a close eye on them as I ate my lunch.

Feeling a bit braver after I ate, I took the elevator back up to my floor. Thankfully the ride was uneventful this time, but I’m sure this will make for some more intense nightmares to come.

OK, new item added to the “someday job wishlist” — no elevators!

Where’s June?

Wow … it’s the end of June already. Almost July. Where has my time gone?

I’ve had lots happen over the past few months, but honestly can sum everything up in a few short sentences: things are mostly better.

Both Jim and I have been recommended to attend separate counseling, which we plan to once we’re financially able. (apparently our insurance only pays for so many sessions, then the rest WE are responsible for) Jim’s still looking for a job, but we are getting by.

Jessie is transforming more and more into a young lady every day, everyone we know has commented on how much she’s grown and how much older she looks already. You can’t help but notice that she acts older … she looks and talks like any typical teenage girl. As a mother, I couldn’t be prouder. But there’s something I’ve noticed this summer … I’ve noticed HER being noticed. Mostly by boys around her age — and a few older (who earn a VERY sharp warning look from me when I catch them! ).

I told Jim that we should start stockpiling ammunition. We’re going to need it.

Work has gotten busier. Every time I think that it couldn’t possibly get any more hectic, it does. But that’s good I suppose. Every time I take a day off, I come back to what looks like the aftermath of a tornado, or perhaps a hurricane.

It’s nice to know I’m missed.

Things are busy, but overall better than they have been. I’m thankful — I have a job, a loving family, and am blessed with wonderful friends. All that’s missing is a new house and some new big black combat boots.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of my pal Cookie:

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’ The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’ The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’ The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

That, folks, pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison … “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies come courtesy of my mother:

Q. Who was the most “flexible” man in the Bible?
A. Jacob…..It says he “tied his ass to a tree and then walked for three miles”

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless … of course!

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Q. Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A. Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says, ‘He-brews’

Humpday Hilarities

This morning we have a few goodies courtesy of my pal Cookie:

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.” The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

And THAT, my friends, is what is called “Putting Your Affairs In Order.”

Thought for the Day

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

And this one is courtesy of one of my guildies:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of my pal Jerri:

1. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
2. Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
3. One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.
7. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
8. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
11. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
12. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I just forget to eat,” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
13. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.
14. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen witch … do it and die.”
15. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
16. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
17. I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
18. If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?