Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s funnies start off with this one from my mother:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and then disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack… Give the frog a loan… His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

(You’re singing it, aren’t you?)

And this one is courtesy of Movin’ Meat:

Why Cats Are Not Employed As Doctors

• Valuable minutes lost in surgery as doctor furiously paws at nearby fly.
• While informing patient’s family of their loss, doctor suddenly loses interest and walks off.
• In bid to become chief surgeon, doctor scent-marks entire hospital.
• Doctor refuses to respond to own name during code blue.
• Staff grows increasingly alarmed as doctor runs up and down hallway for no apparent reason.
• Sensing colleagues’ growing dissatisfaction with his work, doctor curls up against a radiator and goes to sleep.
• Doctor raises hackles and bares teeth whenever new interns are introduced.
• Doctor loses medical license after licking self, instruments clean.

So what have we learned? That cats are best employed in service industries? Certainly. But more importantly, always listen for meows when entering a hospital. The life you save may very well be your own.

Met with the counselor…

I think it went well, but am drained and tired. Jim’s being quiet, but I’m not taking that as a bad sign as we both aired a lot of things in our session. According to the counselor, our issues are fixable and the fact that we WANT to fix them “is huge,” so I’m taking that as a good sign. He wants to see us again next week, and suggested maybe we each get separate sessions as well … we’ll see on that. But for the meantime, slow and steady as we go.

I’m more hopeful … and apparently I’m not as broken as I thought I was. My therapist says so.

I’ll post more later, I promise.

One step forward, two steps back

I had originally intended to post this last week:

For a while I really believed we were headed in the right direction. Maybe we were … but now we are almost back to where we were last November. At least this time he’s agreeing to see someone about our problems.

Jim and I had a “talk” last week. Though things had progressed in a good direction for a little while, it seems that we aren’t doing much better than we were last year. Last weekend we had a fight and I think I’ve cried almost every day for nearly two weeks. But Jim DID agree to see a counselor with me this time. We have an appointment Tuesday.

I’m sick of being in this emotional limbo. I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of uncertainty. I’m sick of having to hold it together just long enough to make it to work every day, or be around family and friends and not be a total basketcase. I’m sick of being afraid that I’m losing my husband.

I’m nervous and scared — and I think I’m most afraid that I won’t have enough strength for the both of us this time.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one by Cookie:

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen.

“What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

She replied “You’re having soup, … I was talking to the cat.”

This one is courtesy of Not Always Right:

A customer who has just made a purchase comes back into our store asking for help; she’s locked her keys in her car. I go out to try and help.

Me: “Ma’am, your window is open.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Your window. It’s open.”

(The customer reaches in and gets her keys, opens the door, rolls up the window, locks the car, throws the keys back inside, and closes the door.)

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “I know! I know! It’s just that I already called my husband to bring the second set! He’d have given me h*** if he saw the window was open!”

And this one is from my mother. Though I despise the chain mails she sends me and don’t really consider myself a “true Republican”, this made me LOL and I know a few of you might enjoy it as well.

As a rule, I don’t pass along these “add your name” lists that appear in emails, BUT this one is important!!!!!

It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 25 million people. We don’t want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward, add your name and send it on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for President Obama please go to the end of the list and add your name….

1. Michelle Obama.
2. Oprah Winfrey

And last but not least — because you can never have enough dancing Storm Troopers!

Humpday Hilarities

Sorry for the delay … was experiencing some difficulties yesterday.

This week’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

This one is courtesy of Not Always Right:

Someone calls a hotel looking for directions there.

Caller: “Hi. I’m trying to find you, but seem a bit lost.”

Hotel Staff: “That’s no problem. Do you approximately where you are?”

Caller: “Nova Scotia.”

Staff: “That’s good, but I will need a bit more information. Are you in Halifax or Dartmouth?”

Caller: “Canada.”

Staff: “Do you know which city you are in?”

Caller: “Canada.”

Staff: “Canada is the country. Which area of the city are you in. Do you know which road you are on?”

Caller: “No.”

Staff: “Where have you driven from?”

Caller: “My aunt’s house.”

Staff: “Do you know your aunt’s address?”

Caller: “She lives in Nova Scotia.”

Staff: “Can you see any signs or landmarks?”

Caller: “I have some water on my right and some trees on my left.”

Staff: “Any shops or gas stations?”

Caller: “No.”

Staff: “You will need to keep going straight and call me back as soon as you see a sign or can stop at a gas station or shop and ask for help.”

Caller: “I thought you were guest services. Why won’t you help me?”

Staff: “I am trying, but need a basic idea where you are.”

Caller: *shouting* “I’m. In. Canada!”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Heather:

A girl from New York and a girl from the West Coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The New York girl, being friendly and all said, “So, where ya from?”

The West Coast girl replied, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: “So, where ya from, bitch?”

This gem someone posted to me on Facebook:

And this one is courtesy of my husband in celebration of Star Wars Day yesterday: