Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one I snagged from DocJeff:

A man in New York has been arrested for performing circumcisions without a license. Know how they caught him? Somebody mailed in a tip.

And this gem of fantabulous adorabuhls I smurfed from CuteOverload:

Humpday Hilarities

Note: I realize I’m a day early … got my days mixed up and set it to auto-post Tuesday instead of Wednesday, LOL!

Today’s funnies start off with this one from my mother:

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS …

Garden Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why:

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. Terrified, she let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for It. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring In their plants for the night.

And that’s when he shot her.

These two are via my lovely Cotillion sister, Fausta:

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes …

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

A Pleasant Surprise …

These beauties were waiting on me when I got in tonight:

What a sweet hubby I have.

I’m on a treadmill

Ever feel like you’re doing lots of running, but going nowhere? Yeah that’s been me lately!

I know things have been a little too quiet on here over the past few months. Rest assured, overall things are better … not outstanding, but better than they were. Things between me and Jim are a lot better. We’re not “fixed” by any means, but we’re talking a lot more, fighting less, and things have moved forward in a positive light. In fact, we’re actually working on the house again and hope to have it back on the market pretty soon.

We’ve order new furniture — I’m REALLY excited about that! We’re getting a new couch and a “lift top” coffee table. It’s basically a normal-looking table where the top lifts up, to like a dining or normal utility table. My mother-in-law has one and I have always LOVED hers. I had no idea that these things are available pretty much anywhere, you just needed to ask for it by that name. So I’m stoked!

Geekery

With our tax return money, Jim’s upgraded his PC with a smokin’ hawt processor and two new graphics cards. Me, I got a new laptop — an Asus G72Gx-X1. It’s an Intel quad-core with 6Gb of RAM on Windows 7 64-bit. It has a nice 17″ screen and 640Gb of storage space (more than enough to store my old data and anything new I need). I still need to replace my old backup drive that ate itself (lucky me, my husband recovered everything!), but am so far really pleased with my setup. It’s very shiny and HAWT!

hehehe, I can’t wait to show it off at the next LAN party!

I’ve been really happy with Asus’ laptops over the years. My old one is going to Jessie, so of course she’s excited. This also helps as a motivational tool with her grades. So far, she has done REALLY well this year and has stayed on the Honor Roll. We talked to her before letting her know that my old laptop would be hers, and expressed quite plainly that if her grades fell, this would be one of the first privileges taken away. It’s tons faster/newer than her old tower PC (my old green monster, sniff!) and would handle Aion so much better, so she’s really stoked about that!

Jess and I spend a lot of time in Aion nowadays. Jim reached level 50 on his main and “took a break” — meaning he got bored with it and will probably come back when the 1.9-2.0 patches come out. Me, I’m still loving every minute of it. Jess too — she’s already maxed out on alts, LOL! I joined a really great guild named Rogue. They are pretty active and laid back and even have both Asmodian and Elyos members, so it’s pretty cool to chat on their forums and vent with players from both factions.

Work stuff

Things at work have gotten busier. Hehe, I didn’t think that was possible. I’ve gained new responsibilities, which is a good thing, but I’m tons busier now than I was so that means pretty much no free time at work. Oh well, the pay is nice and I really like my work environment. My co-workers are good people and am learning tons, so that all makes it worth it in the grand scheme of things.

There are times that I miss UAB … but hearing from friends about how things are now, I’m glad (overall) that I’m no longer in that mess.

Jim’s still looking. The IT market here is still a huge sucking black hole, but I’m seeing more jobs in the paper now than there were 6-9 months ago, so I’m taking that as a good sign. Of course Jim’s over-qualified for 99% of them and so I think that’s why he doesn’t get any call-backs.

I think sometimes he resents me because I’m working and he’s not. Had I known then what I know now, I would have insisted HE interview for my job and me stay at home. Oh well, him being at home has been a real blessing. Jessie loves spending more time with him — and it means that on days where we have her, she doesn’t have to deal with her mother at all.

She and her mother aren’t getting along any better. I think she “endures” her mother as best she can (and can relate), so we try not to be too hard on her when she and her mom have spats. Her mother isn’t the easiest woman to get along with and considering her mother’s mental state and past history, Jessie does a damned fine job if you ask me. I see a lot of my father in her mother, and pray like Hell that she grows up to be better than me, than how I turned out.

I think she will be. Jessie’s very strong-willed and she amazes me every day with how smart and perceptive she is. She’s getting tall too. I can’t believe she’ll be 13 soon. Seems like only yesterday she was 4 years old and running around my house casting Harry Potter spells.

She was SO CUTE!

She’s already wearing makeup and having her monthly visitor. She’s more into boys and video games than cartoons and karate now. And like I mentioned before, she’s doing very well in school. She has new friends that she texts almost every day. She’s blossoming into a wholly new little person and I feel blessed to be able to just be part of her life and to see it happening.

I tell her all the time that she and Jim were the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t think she believes me, hehe.

More family stuff

Things between me and my father have digressed pretty much back to not-speaking. My mother and I are getting along better, as long as we avoid certain topics … like my husband, and him not working. If I bring Jim up in conversation, she changes the subject.

Ah, just like old times …

I don’t think I really talked about Thanksgiving and Christmas on here. Things were bad enough because of the problems Jim and I are having … and I think they were made worse with our visits to my family. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas my father ignored us. I mean sitting down in another room, pretending to be oblivious to anyone or anything around him, not speaking to any of us when we spoke to him, ignoring us. Both holidays, we went over there and that’s what he did — he went into the TV room, sat in “his” chair and said nothing to any of us. What pissed me off was that when my brother and his family came over, he would get up, be lively and interact with them, and as soon as they left, he went back to his chair in that room.

I was humiliated, and furious. And quite honestly am thinking of not seeing my parents any more during the holidays. I know that doing this will hurt my mother, and will probably damage our relationship further; but I cannot and will not continue to be ignored, looked down upon, or have my family be treated like we’re a bunch of second-rate citizens. Honestly, just thinking about it right now is raising my blood pressure and making me very angry.

Maybe I still have unresolved issues. Maybe my father is just an asshole. Either way, I’ve decided not to put my husband and daughter, whom I love more than life itself, through that any more.

So, how are you doing?

A few of you I’ve heard from off the blog. I really miss interacting with everyone and would love to hear how y’all are doing. Please feel free to comment below, or just holler at me via email!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Don:

This is your Captain speaking

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and … OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed.

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

One Irish passenger yelled, “Be Jezis you should see the back o’ mine!”

And these are courtesy of the lovely Teresa:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk..

After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one — just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his bum was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and bum and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ….. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of Don:

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux and the rats.

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin’ wit his friend Thibodeaux.

Thibodeaux said “Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can’t get rid of dem.”

Boudreaux say, “Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors.”

Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?”

Boudreaux explains, “man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once”.

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched.

Well, Thibodeaux was watchin’ for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn’t nuttin ‘ happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn’t even move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, “Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.Dem rats is still runnin’ all around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin’ all day long.”

Boudreaux says, “Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what you to do. Give dat snake some Viagra.” Thibodeaux say, “What! Viagra! What’s dat gonna do?”

Boudreaux say,”I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is DA best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction.”