Are you sure this isn’t Monday?

What a lousy day … I overslept, woke up still mad at my husband, PMSing, was late to work, and when I finally DID get to work the phone was ringing off the hook and every client was wanting every single thing done right that instant! I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that I was stuck in some ‘Groundhog Day’ parallel Hell where every day was Monday all over again.

In short, I had a REALLY lousy day.

Apparently, one of my coworkers had picked up on this and without a word, walked up to my desk, gingerly laid down a chocolate bar, and slowly backed away. I looked at it, turned to him and before I could snap off a terse “What is THIS for?”, he said, “I live in a household with four women … and you looked like you needed one of these about now.” He smiled and walked away. I stared at the sweet confection for a moment, then proceeded to tear into it like a ravenous five-year-old opening presents on Christmas morning.

OK, so now I feel a little better … but today still sucked (for the most part).

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of my mother:

Dear Diary,

For Christmas this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…

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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god — with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. Blah, blah, blah.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late — it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells.. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

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FRIDAY:

I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of my mother:

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

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In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.”

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit, please back in.”

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On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

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On another Plumber’s truck:

” Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

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On a Church’s Bill board:

“7 days without God makes one weak.”

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

“Invite us to your next blowout.”

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At a Towing company:

“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

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On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts.”

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

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On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

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At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

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On a Taxidermist’s window:

“We really know our stuff.”

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On a Fence:

“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

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At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

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At the Electric Company

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don’t, you will be.”

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In a Restaurant window:

” Don ‘t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

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At a Propane Filling Station:

“Thank heaven for little grills.”

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And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”

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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Spaghetti Tacos

As I was standing in front of my pantry last night waiting for culinary inspiration to hit me, Jessie made a suggestion for dinner: spaghetti tacos. She had gotten the idea from a recent episode of iCarly. At first I laughed (the show really is cute and I like to watch it with her), but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that it sounded pretty darned tasty! Granted, I cheated and used pre-made items, but it turned out great so I thought I’d share in case anyone else is looking for a new spin on an old family favorite.

You’ll need:

Jar of your favorite spaghetti sauce (or make your own)
Your favorite pasta
1 box of your favorite taco shells
Meat of choice, or meatballs
Cheese and/or other toppings of choice.

Steps:

Cook your pasta according to package directions. I made approximately 8 servings, using a mix of “regular” and wheat thin spaghetti noodles. This ensured that I would have made enough for everyone to get their fill, and would have plenty leftover for me to take with me the next morning for lunch! Next time I may use some medium-sized shells or perhaps angel hair.

While your pasta is cooking, cook your meat (or warm it if using pre-packaged) and set to the side. I used Tyson’s fajita chicken strips. These can be warmed in a skillet or in the microwave and are handy when I need to throw together a meal in a hurry. In a large skillet, combine your sauce and meat, and simmer until thoroughly warmed to desired temperature.

Warm your taco shells according to package directions. I used I used Old El Paso Stand ‘n Stuff shells. These things are handy because I can sit them down on a flat surface and stuff!

Once the shells are warmed, layer pasta, sauce, and desired toppings into your taco shell. We used Parmesan cheese, but I’ll be eating my leftovers today with a mix of Parmesan and sharp cheddar.

The finished product:

I think next time I’ll add some salsa and/or hot sauce to give it some kick!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny is courtesy of Don:

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

‘May I help you sir?’ she asked.

‘I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.

‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else’, said the madam.

‘No, I must see Valerie,’ he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.

The man replied, ‘ Cleveland ‘.

‘Really?’, she said. ‘I have family in Cleveland.’

‘I know.’ the man said. ‘Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Humpday Hilarities: National Championship Edition

In honor of tonight’s matchup, I’ve compiled a list of football-related funnies from a myriad of sources. So without further ado, let’s get started:

Q: What does a tornado in Dallas and a divorce in Houston have in common?
A: In both cases someone is going to lose a trailer!

A UT grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. He answers and his wife says, “Honey I just wanted to warn you and let you know that I am watching the news and some idiot is driving on the wrong side of the interstate.”

The UT grad then replied “I am already on my way home, but you’re wrong. It is not one idiot but hundreds of them.”

Albert Einstein goes to a party. He introduces himself to a lady and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”

“240,” she says.

“Great, we can discuss the mysteries of the universe and other things. We have a lot we can talk about ” he replies. Later he is talking with a man and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”

“145,” he replies.

“Great, we can talk about thermodynamics,” says Albert. Later he is talking to another gentleman and says, “Hi, I’m Albert Einstein. What’s you’re IQ?”

“43,” the man manages to say. Einstein gets a puzzled look on his face for a minute then says, “How about them Longhorns?”

A Longhorn fan was driving in his car and swerving wildly from left to right. This went on for about five minutes until finally a cop pulls him over and asks, “Sir, why are you driving that way?”

The UT grad replies, “Well officer, I was driving along when I saw a tree. I had to move left until I saw another tree. Practically everywhere I went, I saw a tree and I had to keep turning.”

Then the cop said, “You are a Longhorns fan aren’t you?”

“Yeah! How did you know?”

“That’s your air freshener.”

An Alabama fan and a Texas fan are standing on opposite ends of a river yelling across at each other about which team is better. Suddenly, a genie pops out of thin air and offers to grant each fan a single wish.

The Texas fan pipes out, “I’ll go first.” The genie agrees and allows the Texas fan to annouce his wish first. “I want to build a wall that is 300 feet high and 100 feet thick around the state of Texas to keep all those Alabama fans out.” The genie agrees and ‘POOF!’, a wall 100 feet high and 100 feet thick pops up around the entire state of Texas.

The genie then turns to the Alabama fan and asks, “So what is your wish?” The Alabama fan points toward the giant wall and says, “Fill’er up.”

A Longhorns fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”

Q: Why do University of Texas fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

It was reported that Texas head football coach Mack Brown will only be dressing twenty players for the national championship game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Texas Longhorns?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: How many University of Texas freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

Q: What do Texas and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

GOLF CART ACCIDENT

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife that the correct word is ’sternum’.”

And this is a little something for any Longhorn fans, courtesy of Teresa:

Click to enlarge

Here’s to hope

2009 was definitely “The Year of the Suck” (personally speaking). I’ve found myself looking forward to the new year in hope of a lot of positive changes coming our way. And I’d have to say that 2010 has had a promising start already. New Year’s Day we visited with friends and family that we haven’t seen in ages. On the 2nd we honored a friend who’s home on leave from Iraq with a LAN party. Yesterday we pretty much vegged and today I’m back at work, but I guess I can’t complain too much about that. I have a job, and know many who are still looking (including my husband).

I’ve spent the last couple months realizing and appreciating the things for which I am truly grateful. I have a husband and daughter who love me. We have a roof over our heads and food on the table. I have wonderful and supportive friends and loved ones. I have a job. I have hope … I hold on to faith that things will work out in the end — even if I can’t see how they will or am desperately afraid that they won’t.

This is the time of year most people make their resolutions, right? I see many things I don’t like about myself or my life that I’d like to change.

The “musts”

The “might actually get done soon”

The “would like’s”

So here’s to a new year, and to hope. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me.