Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Furry Talk:

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force — such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

And this one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Fausta:

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

And last but not least, some Iron Bowl humor courtesy of Teresa:

Bad storm brewing!!!!

The National Weather Service in Mobile, Alabama is following a hurricane developing in the Gulf of Mexico said to be the size of Mount Cody with Ingram-sized hail and Julio lighting. The storm is moving at Richardson speeds and has McClain-force winds. If you are in the Auburn area you can kiss your ass good-bye, ’cause the Tide is gonna be rolling in.

ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!

I’m not sure, but I think I’ve been promoted

Jessie came to work with me yesterday and we had several good discussions throughout the day on various topics. Inevitably, the topic of her mother always comes up one way or another and yesterday was no exception. Jessie shared a profound thought, likening the story of Coraline with her relationship with her own mother — but in reverse. Jessie’s mother is a bit clingy and Jessie, understandably, feels smothered. She told me, “She’s just like the Other Mother, she wants me to always stay with her and says I can never leave.”

My mother-in-law tells me all the time what a positive influence I’ve been to Jessie. In essence, somewhere over the years, the roles of “mother” and “the other mother” became switched. Jessie remarked about her mother’s behavior and wondered if that’s why she and Jim divorced. She said would leave her too if she could, that she wanted to leave her “like Coraline wanted to leave the Other Mother after realizing what she was really like.”

While I laugh at Jessie’s analogy, I can’t help but feel sorry for her mother. I’ve said for years that one day Jessie will grow up and see her mother for what she really is. I think that day has come sooner than anyone thought.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Don:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.

And this one is from my mother:

Tough Love vs. Spanking – Good Argument

Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of ‘those moments.’ One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
Mr. B.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Cookie:

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the Man of Your House.”

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!”

“Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

This one is from my mother:

Out of Town

The husband was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife, “What’s for supper?”

“WHAT?!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I’m out here working?!? I can’t believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what — imagine I’m out of town. Go inside and figure out dinner for yourself.”

The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he was finishing up.

“You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

His viewing is Monday from 2-4 and 7-9. His funeral is Tuesday.

And so is this one:

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, ‘What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!’

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, ‘YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!!’

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one, courtesy of my pal Cookie:

Tom retired in his early 50’s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.”

Tom replied, “Yes, sir, I know. I’m sorry, but I am working on it.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn’t that correct?”

“Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I’m mighty proud of it!” said Tom.

“Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss.

“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”

This one is from my friend Adam:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

This one is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Cassandra:

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze — perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

And last but not least, this one from my friend Catina:

This is the true story of a garage owner in New Mexico. He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. so he came up with this idea… He put the word out that he had a new “mexican lion” that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence.

Would-be thieves saw the “lion” from a distance and fled the scene.