Humpday Hilarities

Courtesy of Cookie:

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

*********************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

” So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

” I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

**********************

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.” There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

***********************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’ Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, ” So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news . My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

Yes she says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”

She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .

The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either!”

This is a video I’ve seen circulating on Facebook and luckily Uncle Monster also found it on YouTube:

I got down with my sickness

I’ll say this: Thank God for the scheduled posts ability in WordPress and the WordPress application on my iPhone. Without those, absolutely nothing would have been posted here last week.

I had been ill off and on all last week, but it hit hardest Friday. And by that I mean I got DOWN with the sickness, LOL! Literally knocking me on my butt, and right into bed. I missed most of the Alabama vs Arkansas game, but woke up in time to hear Rammer Jammer being sung by the crowd in T’town. I missed WordCamp Birmingham entirely and am really bummed about that. (can someone let me know where the lecture notes are posted?)

I also missed a Ladies Night Out meeting, but was pretty sure I was going to miss it even before I got sick. I haven’t been to a meeting in a while and have been dying to join one of the karaoke outings.

Well, after 3 full days of sleep I am feeling much MUCH better! Of course I’ve spent half the morning clearing out emails and voicemails and will probably be doing so for most of the rest of the day today, LOL!

I took some time this morning to submit a new fanlisting that I’ve started:

I’ll be sure to post when it’s approved and “gone live.”

This so reminds me of Hobie

I can remember playing Descent and Doom years ago and she would lay on top of my monitor trying to “catch” things on the screen.

Football Funnies!

I couldn’t resist posting these football-related funnies. This first set is courtesy of ALCrimsonTide:

Q: What do you call Arkansas when they find out they can’t throw the ball on Alabama?
A: GroundHogs.

Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: Bacon would go up.

Q:What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig

Q: Did you hear the story about the razorback hog?
A: It’s pretty dull.

Q: How does a Petrino write up plays for Arkansas?
A: With a pig pen.

Two Arkansas grads were walking in the woods. One said, “Look! A dead bird.”
The other looked to the sky and said, “Where?”

What’s a seven course meal in Fayetteville?
A possum and a six-pack.

Where was OJ headed in his white Bronco?
To Arkansas. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman winner there.

What is the line heard most from graduates of Arkansas’ business school?
Would you like fries with that?

And this one I adapted from one of Cookie’s

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas?” the girl said.

“Yes, it’s because you’re from Arkansas,” said the mommy

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled,”we were saying the alphabet, today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re from Arkansas.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled,”we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m from Arkansas, Mommy?”

“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 34.”

Humpday Hilarities

This morning’s first funny is courtesy of Uncle Monster:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s President Obama’s clock?”, asked the man.

“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

I may have posted something similar to this before, but it’s still one of my faves. Courtesy of my mother:

Only Southerners

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a “hissie fit” and a “conniption fit,” and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc…, make up “a mess.”

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart,” and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, … bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’all’s front porch that reads “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could!”

The emphasis on the tea thing is mine. It never ceases to amaze me how many of my clients don’t understand my passion for good sweet tea.

Moving right along, this funny is courtesy of my pal Don:

Secret Code

After the new president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note. Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code. After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied, “You’re holding the note upside down!”

And last but certainly not least, this funny is courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Kat:

Patriot Microchip

The Patriot Microchip is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless …

Side effects, such as headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The United States Marines

Soaked and sunburned, and zombies, and Aion

Wow, what a weekend. Right now I’m sitting here waiting out the remaining two hours until the Aion Head Start event. I figured this would be a good time as any to post a few things.

Jess, Teresa and I spent yesterday in T’town. We went down there to watch the Tide take on North Texas. Jim was originally supposed to go with us, but he was kind enough to stay home to get our house ready to show to some prospective buyers. (Which, funny enough, he neglected to tell me about until Friday night when I got home and was already mad as a hornet for having spent 2 hours in traffic!)

We picked Teresa up in McCalla and headed down I-59. It rained the entire time. Once we reached Tuscaloosa, finding a parking spot was pretty tricky. The university has taken over some parking lots that were once public to reserve for Tide Pride members. We got lucky and parked by some friends in nearby apartments.

Hooray for friends!

It rained and rained and RAINED. Even though all three of us were wearing ponchos, we were still soaked to the bone. We walked all over the quad, visited various shop tents and after watching the Million Dollar Band do their usual pre-game routine, slowly made our way to Bryant-Denny stadium. It was at this point that it FINALLY quit raining. With the exception of a few drops here or there, the weather was pretty nice for the rest of the day! We made our way into the stadium and up to our seats and tried our best to dry out. About halfway into the game, the sun made its grand entrance.

Of course, the sunscreen I had put on yesterday morning before leaving the house had washed off … so I’m a little sunburned. This is the first game I’ve ever attended where I’ve been soaked and sunburned in the same day! LOL!

It was all a great day of fun though. The Tide looked really good. The halftime show was great. The MDB played a tribute to Motown. IMO the best part was the finale … they played ‘Thriller’ by Michael Jackson. All of the color guard and dance teams put on some raggedy clothes and danced as zombies like in the original video. It was awesome!!

The Tide won 53-7, so pretty early in the second half a lot of people were leaving. The traffic going home was light compared to every other Bama game I’ve ever attended. We made it home long before dinner time and I happily napped as soon as I could get my tired and weary bones through the door and into the bed.

Today Jess left us to spend the next few days with her mother. She didn’t want to go (not that I blame her) but I tried to assure her that she wouldn’t miss much of the Aion head start and we’d see her again later this week. Our deal is that as long as her grades are up, she can play Aion. So far, that’s proving to be a GREAT motivator as far as school goes!

And speaking of Aion, I was able to get things sorted out with GoGamer. Our Aion packs arrived Friday afternoon. Jim and I ordered the Collector’s Edition, Jessie got the regular (and hers came in a very NICE tin!). Here’s a few pics I snapped that night after opening my box:

Incidentally, if you have also ordered the CE, you will want to read this article by The Aion Guy: How To Receive Your Aion Pre-Order Items!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie (who incidentally just celebrated his birthday, so be a sport and go wish him a good one! )

The Navy Chief & New Guy

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here bilge scum!

What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy ass namby pamby crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowdays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight maggot, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …”

The Spoils of War …

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

Where were you?

I stayed home Friday. After having it out with my insurance company over the phone, I broke down and decided that I needed a day off — a “mental health day” as my mother likes to call it. I had been vaguely aware of the date, but honestly I’ve been too busy with work and other things to allow myself to fully fixate and quite honestly part of me didn’t want to remember.

In truth, I didn’t want to feel it at all — any of it. Anger, fear, sadness, outrage, … I’m an empathetic sponge who wanted the whole world to go away and stop reminding me of that horrible day. But I knew I would have to face it sooner or later.

Well I’m doing better this week, and am still trying to catch up on my feeds. I’ve sat and cried to every 9-11 related thing posted on all my favorite sites. Jules at Everyday Mommy asked the question that I’m sure many of us do when this topic comes up in conversation: Where were you?

I remember that morning very clearly. I was at work. It’s not too far from where I’m working now in fact. It was a slow morning, so I had hopped onto IRC and was happily chatting in several of my favorite channels. Someone announced in #phrozencrew that a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I jumped onto the CNN website because they had live streams on their site, so I could watch the TV feed in realtime.

“Surely it was a mistake,” I remember thinking. “No one would do such a thing on purpose.”

I had just tuned in when the second plane had hit. As tears streamed down my face, I couldn’t believe my eyes. One was a mistake. Two was on purpose. The crash on the Pentagon soon followed. Someone was attacking us. Someone wanted to send us a message. It came through loud and clear. All those innocent people! Who would do such a thing? It would be hours later before we all knew for sure.

At that moment, my mind shifted to loved ones who I knew were in New York that day. One friend, a teacher at NYU, who I knew was located near the Towers couldn’t be reached. Another, who I knew for certain worked in the WTC, and I couldn’t reach either. A handful of other friends I knew were in the area, but not sure of where exactly they were located. I spent a good part of the morning frantically dialing and emailing anyone and everyone I could think of, all the while watching the atrocities unfold live, right before my very eyes. I remember hearing coworkers trying to reach their loved ones. One woman I knew was desperately trying to page her daughter, who was in flight somewhere over the East Coast.

At this point no one could concentrate on work. A TV was rolled into the breakroom and we all huddled around it. We all watched in horror when each tower collapsed, then reports of another plane crash (Flight 93) flashed across the screen. The rest of the day was spent in complete shock. I don’t remember anything else about that week, just that day. As a people, we all embraced and pulled together as one. This was not just a tragedy for New York, it was a tragedy for us all. We were ALL affected.

What worries me is that there is a large number of people now who seem to have forgotten what happened on that day. That number multiplies exponentially with each passing anniversary. Why has complacency set in?

I can’t be complacent. I can’t help but feel, and remember. I remember the horrors — seeing people jump to their deaths over and over again, the heroes that raced in to help who were never seen again, the bodies pulled from the rubble, the agony of the poor souls still looking for lost loved ones. I remember everything. I still have the nightmares. And every September 11th, I must mentally and emotionally go back there and re-live everything all over again …

… Because to forget would be the greatest tragedy of all.

What are your mood lifters?

On days where I bring my lunch to work, I usually sit at my desk and read my feeds. With all the things going on, I’ve found that most days I want stuff to keep me in good mood — or if I’m in a particularly bad one, to enhance my mood.

A couple days back, GeekSugar posted 10 Sites That Will Instantly Lift Your Mood. While the entries were pretty neat (I particularly enjoyed FML but it’s not really mood-lifting IMO), but honestly none of those I would visit when I was in need of a serious dose of smiles and gigglies.

These are my mood lifters, in no particular order:

• I Can Has Cheezburger? – LOLcats and LOLanimals own. ‘Nuff said.
• I Has a Hotdog! – Sister site to the ICHC, featuring LOLdogs of course. More awesomeness.
• Cute Overload – Introduced to this by my pal DocJeff, this never ceases to make me smile.
• ZooBorns – Announcements of baby zoo animals born all over the world. Entertaining and usually very educational. Dual-awesomeness.
• Cute Animals Channel on Today’s Big Thing – A daily feeding of furry funny video.
• Cukiság – A Hungarian cute animals site. Even though I usually don’t understand any of the text, the photos are cool.
• FurryTalk – A good site, with a mix of LOLpics, jokes, and inspirational animal stories.

I could name a few others, but these are the ones I hit every day. They’re good for a quick smile, and likely help keep me sane.

So what sites are your mood lifters?

When the music stopped

My mother-in-law sent me this lovely piece. I get so many military jokes and stories that often Snopes is one of the first places I hit after receiving these types of emails. Don’t get me wrong … it’s not that I don’t believe in tales of valor and honor from our men and women in uniform. On the contrary, I like to post sources to give credit where credit is due. I know that without a doubt, some of the finest men and women you’ll ever see are in the military, and I’m always happy to share stories illustrating this!

Anyways, back to the story. Snopes didn’t have anything on this, so I hit up Google and found another source that confirmed that this story is indeed TRUE!

For those who are unaware, at a military theater, the National Anthem is played before every movie.

From a Chaplain in Iraq:

I recently attended a showing of ‘Superman 3,’ here at LSA Anaconda. We have a large auditorium we use for movies, as well as memorial services and other large gatherings. As is the custom back in the States, we stood and snapped to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature. All was going as planned until about three-quarters of the way through the National Anthem the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in the States? I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude comments; and everyone would sit down and call for a movie. Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place. Here, the 1,000 soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed forward. The music started again. The soldiers continued to quietly stand at attention. And again, at the same point, the music stopped. What would you expect to happen?

Even here I would imagine laughter, as everyone finally sat down and expected the movie to start. But here, you could have heard a pin drop. Every soldier continued to stand at attention. Suddenly there was a lone voice , then a dozen, and quickly the room was filled with the voices of a thousand soldiers, finishing where the recording left off:

‘And the rockets red glare,
The bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O’er the land of the free,
And the home of the brave.’

It was the most inspiring moment I have had here in Iraq. I wanted you to know what kind of soldiers are serving you here. Remember them as they fight for you! Pass this along as a reminder to others to be ever in prayer for all our soldiers serving us here at home and abroad. For many have already paid the ultimate price.

Written by Chaplain Jim Higgins
LSA Anaconda is at the Ballad Airport in Iraq, north of Baghdad

According to TruthorFiction.com, this was indeed written by Army Reserve Chaplain Jim Higgins who, when he is not deployed, is Senior Pastor of McEachern Memorial United Methodist Church, in Powder Springs, GA. It goes on to say that this event took place in May of 2007 while he was stationed at Camp Anaconda — which is a US base near Balad, and one of the largest airbases in Iraq.

But I bet many of you already knew that about C.A.

God bless our troops!!

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