Humpday Hilarities

Late again, my bad. So far the new job is going well. Everyone seems really nice and the facilities are a LOT nicer than those I had at UAB. I’m not crazy about the commute, but I’m hoping that maybe I’ll be able to switch to an early schedule after I’m settled a bit.

Anyways, without further ado, here’s this week’s edition:

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ” Good morning , Ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“For reading a book,” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes , But as I stated before, you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault ,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

I’m sorry, I drank the Kool-Aid

After a long round of BS with Helio Virgin Mobile, today Jim and I took the plunge and drank the Apple Kool-Aid — we dumped Helio Virgin Mobile and got iPhones.

I won’t post the details, but I will say that I am no longer a Helio fangirl … today was the proverbial last straw. Our Helio Virgin Mobile contract is up in June, and I will most definitely NOT be renewing it. And to add insult to injury, the Ocean 2 is a huge disappointment. For the same amount of money, we could get nicer devices — and so that’s exactly what we are doing!

OK now, you iPhone pros out there … got any tips, advice, etc. for an iPhone newbie?

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from my Cotillion sister, Janette:

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”

BEAR HUNTING

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices … Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

The Mother-In-Law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

And this one is from my pal, Rose:

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

~~Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Hot-Tub.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?, or do I love my job.

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Open call to Black Hat theme users

Having all this time off lately has afforded me something that I hadn’t previously had — an opportunity to spend a great deal of time on my Black Hat theme. I’ve taken the last update further by incorporating more theme options. As of right now the following can be added or controlled via the Theme Options: Sidebar location (and/or removal), Feedburner URL (replace the default RSS feed link in sidebar), Feedburner email subscription link, meta keywords, latest Tweet in the sidebar, Related Posts.

What I’d like from you is: what functionalities would you like to see added to Black Hat? I am getting close to releasing this update and would love some feedback on what should be added next.

Welcome to the home of FOOTBALL

Edit: Changed post date … I’m not sure why this didn’t post on A-Day.

Humpday Hilarities – Birthday Edition

Before I get started, I’d like to thank everyone for the warm birthday wishes. Y’all really make my day.

This first funny is courtesy of Don:

How did you break your arm?

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah With The kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.

Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was Sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a Powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the Pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button, you then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters.

With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving… even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, Racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift….

So, how’d you break your arm?”

And these are courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Janette:

The Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?”

“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?”

“Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

“No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting. “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own gator!” to which the shopkeeper replied,

“By all means, just watch out for those two good ole boys who are doing the same!”

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the good ole boys,’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several gators were already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed “Darn! This one don’t have no shoes neither!”

The License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.”

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now.

“How in heavens name did you find that out?”

And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Origins

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, “How did I get here?”

Her mother told her, “God sent you.”

“Did God send you, too?” asked the child.

“Yes, Dear,” the mother replied.

“What about Grandma and Grandpa?” the child persisted.

“He sent them also” the mother said.

“Did he send their parents, too?” asked the child.

“Yes, Dear, He did,” said the mother patiently.
“So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone’s so damn grumpy around here.”

A lonely woman, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′S)
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day she heard the door bell ring. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said “You’re not really asking me to consider you? You have no legs.”

The Old Man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you.”

She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either.”

Again he smiled, “Nor can I beat you.”

She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, “Are you still good in bed?”

With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, ” I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

And this one is from my Cotillion sister, Kathleen:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and sweated for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

And last but not least, this is from my pal Sarah:

What if WWII were an MMORTS

(MMORTS = Massively Multiplayer Online Real Time Strategy)

It’s written like a chat log between a handful of gamers, except it pretty well sums up World War II. There’s a bit of language, but funny as hell if you like gaming/history humor.

Who’s going to A-Day?

With the job-hunting-related hurricane flurrying around me, I’ve almost forgotten about this upcoming weekend: A-Day game!!!!

Jess and I have made this a yearly tradition and plan on meeting up with some friends and loved ones this Saturday in T’town. Also, I was just reading an announcement on The Birmingham News site that there will be a 7-on-7 game prior to kickoff featuring former Crimson Tide players and coaches. Sweet!

A little FYI: Gates typically open around 11, and the article says the flag football game is set for noon. (Get there EARLY!!) The A-Day game itself kicks off around 2. If you need parking information, traffic routes, maps, etc. I encourage you to visit the Alabama Game Day website.

Oh, and bring sunscreen … if you’re even half as white as me, you’ll need it!

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Updated WordPress Theme: Black Hat

I normally don’t post updates to my themes here on the blog, but I think this one warrants an update post for a variety of reasons. This update has been so extensive, I want to post a little more information on this its features as well as its development. I also want to highlight what the theme has to offer — while this is all is located in the readme file, I don’t think I laid everything out in the original introduction post. And last but not least, I wanted to cite the various resources that I have used in both the development and updating processes.

Details

Black Hat is a dark minimalist theme based on Adrian Diaconescu’s Corporate Sandbox, which is of course based on the Sandbox framework. It is has been built specifically with WordPress 2.7 in mind, but is also backwards compatible for version 2.6. (Sorry, I will no longer be supporting version 2.5 or older.)

Stickers icons courtesy of DryIcons. Favicon by Brian Brasher.

Features

Theme option for changing sidebar location – Pretty self-explanatory, there’s a theme option so that the sidebar can easily be moved from left to right and back again from within the WordPress admin panel.

Sitemap template – If desired, you can create a sitemap for your blog by simply using this template.

Links page template – If desired, you can create a links page by simply using this template.

Printer-friendly stylesheet – Something I think a lot of users don’t think about until someone tries to print a post. Personally, I think all blogs should have these!

Admin & Login links – Many WordPress-savvy users don’t need a link to get to the Admin panel, but it’s nice for those of us who can’t remember the exact URL for it!

Favicon – Something else I think a lot of users don’t think about. Personally, I hope all my users replace this file with their own. A favicon helps your blog stand out, IMO.

Visual sticky post indicator – With the introduction of sticky posts in WordPress 2.7, I’ve noticed that it’s hard to tell if a post is sticky or not. I like visual aids, and this is one.

Easy to implement Feedburner links – By default, Black Hat features a feed icon linked to the blog’s RSS feed. This can be changed to a Feedburner RSS feed by simply updating a file to include your Feedburner feed URL. There is also pre-written coding for the Feedburner email subscription link. Another simple edit can enable this feature.

Default and conditional feed options – By default, Black Hat includes the coding for the following feed types: RDF/RSS 1.0, RSS .92, RSS 2.0, Atom 0.3. The RSS feed for all comments for your blog is also included. Conditional feeds: If viewing a single post, the comment feed for that post is available. If viewing a category, the feed for all posts in that category is available. If viewing a tag, the feed for all posts with that tag is available.

Additional/SEO meta tags – When developing my themes, I take the liberty of adding many commonly used meta tags. Most of the information is automatically filled in via various WordPress commands and can easily be modified by the user.

Twitter integration – In the post footer (when you click on a post, not viewing the index or archive page), there is a “Share on Twitter” link. There is also some pre-written coding to allow you to display your latest Tweet in the sidebar.

Related Posts feature – This function looks at the first tag for a post and finds all posts matching that tag. If no tags are specified for a post, it simply will not show up at all.

Customized default avatar (Gravatar) to match theme design – Black Hat includes an avatar to match the theme style. To use, you would simply login to the WordPress Admin panel and set the custom avatar as default.

As I said, more detailed information on these can be found in the theme’s readme file.

Sources and Link Love

These are the various resources and individuals who have helped make this theme possible: WP Candy, Cats Who Code, ThemeLab, WP Recipes, WP Hacks, Lorelle on WordPress, the WordPress Codex, WP Seek, WP Tavern, Jacob at A Blinding Sonic Blast, WP Lover, WP Hackers mailing list, Theme Playground, and For the Lose.

My apologies if I’ve left anyone out!

Hoppy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! I’ve two cute things to share today:

The cutest little rapper I’ve ever seen:

And by far one of the funniest Easter Eggs I’ve seen:

(H/T: For the Lose)

Humpday Hilarities

Sorry this is late again … my mind has been on another planet lately.

This week’s edition is courtesy of my pal Don:

A Senior Moment

‘WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?’ The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

‘Ma’am,’ said the newspaper employee, ‘Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.’

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ‘Well, shit … so that’s why no one was at church today.’

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