Humpday Hilarities

I have several today, so let’s get started! This one is from one of my WOSIB sisters:

How to Deal with Party Crashers

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea …

He turned to the crowd of guests and said “Will everyone from the bride’s side of the family stand up please?” About twenty people stood.

Then he asked “Will everyone from the groom’s side of the family stand up as well?” About twenty five people stood up.

Then he smiled and said, “Will everyone who stood please leave. This is a birthday party.”

This one is from my pal Cookie:

Understanding the Stimulus Bill

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, “I don’t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?”

The professor replied, “I don’t have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I’ll be glad to explain it to you.” The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor’s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, “First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.” The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, “Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it.” The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, “Excuse me, but why are we doing this?”

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn’t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, “All we’re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you’ll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!”

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,

“Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill.”

This one is from one of my coworkers:

The Coping Diet

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion, lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s Kiss

Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Hershey’s Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: ‘Stressed’ spelled backward is ‘desserts!’

And last but not least, another funny from one of my WOSIB sisters:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute ‘heads up’ if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It is too good not to pass along.

The conversation went like this:

Iranian Air Defense Radar: “Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian Airspace. Identify yourself.”

Aircraft: “This is a United States Aircraft. I am in Iraqi Airspace.”

Iranian Air Defense Radar: “You are in Iranian Airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch Interceptor Aircraft!”

Aircraft: “This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send ‘em up! I’ll wait!”

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (No Response — Total Silence)

WP Themes How to: Revolving Images in the Header

I was contacted a while back by Barbara Weibel, a very nice lady with a question about a WordPress theme modification. She wanted to know the best way to add a set of rotating images into the header — not like the rotating images php scripts that have been making the rounds for the last few years. She needed something dynamic, similar to the “cover flow” effect used by iTunes.

Boy, that one stumped me. I’m not a Flash or Ajax guru, and Jim was tied up in his own projects. I gave her what little helpful advice I had and hoped for the best.

Barbara emailed me again last week to let me know she had found a solution. She’s used my Translucent Dreams theme as a base for her blog’s design (which, by the way, is a VERY good read if you’re looking for new bloggers to add to your blogroll!) and has found that using the NextGEN Gallery in the header accomplished the effect she was wanting.

Take a look at her blog, Hole in the Donut, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Barbara was nice enough to allow me to publish her notes detailing the steps she took to implement this into her blog. I took the liberty of adding some screenshots from my own test blog to help make it easier to follow along.

Note: You may need to play with the settings once you have it set up to adjust to your liking …

First, I installed and activated the WordPress NextGEN Gallery plugin. This adds a settings panel to the Dashboard that is titled “Gallery”

Second, I installed and activated the NextGEN ImageFlow add-on for the NextGEN Gallery. This shows up as an added option at the bottom of the “Gallery” settings panel on the Dashboard.

**IMPORTANT:** Be sure to upload reflect2.php and reflect3.php to your Wordpress root folder!!

Next, I created and uploaded a gallery of the photos I wanted to show up in the header using the “Add Gallery/Images options in the NextGEN Gallery settings panel. I made sure they were all the same size (500 x 333) and although the documentation says you can use vertical format photos, I limited mine to horizontal, simply because I knew they would work better in the header.

Some changes were needed in the stylesheet in order to get the design to align correctly. Add this to the style.css file:

#gallery {
height:259px;
width:800px;
position:absolute;
top:-100px;
left:40px;
}

Then I modified the header.php to be:

<body>
<div id="wrap">
<div id="header">
<div id="gallery">
<?php
echo nggShowImageFlow(2);
?>
<h1><a href="<?php echo get_option('home'); ?>/"><?php bloginfo('name');
?></a></h1>
<h4><?php bloginfo('description'); ?></h4>
</div>
</div>
<div id="sidemagic">


NOTE: The (2) in the above php echo code refers to the number of the gallery I created — your number may be different!

Then I went back to the style.css and made the h1 and h4 position absolute and tinkered with the height for the headline and sub-headline to get them to lay where I wanted them. It now looks like this:

#header {
margin:0 auto;
padding:0;
height:259px;
width:900px;
background-image:url(images/header.jpg);
background-repeat:no-repeat;
background-position:top center;
position:relative;
}

#header h1 {
font-family: Trebuchet MS, arial, sans-serif;
font-size:35px;
color:#ffffff;
line-height:normal;
position:absolute;
top:100px;
left:-30px;
}

#header h1 a, #header h1 a:hover, #header h1 a:link, #header h1 a:visited, #header h1 a:active {
color:#ffffff;
text-decoration:none;
}

#header h4 {
text-align: right;
line-height: 25px;
font-family: Trebuchet MS, arial, sans-serif;
width: 300px;
height: 80px;
overflow: hidden;
font-size: 16px;
font-weight: normal;
font-style: italic;
color: #5dc6cf;
position:absolute;
top:105px;
right:-30px;
}

Also, you’ll need to replace the header.jpg file in the images directory with this one.

You may need to tinker a bit to get everything in just the right place. The nice thing about the NextGEN Gallery plugin is that you can exclude photos with just a check mark, so I still have all 36 in the gallery and I can go back periodically and change which ones show up.

A note on gallery settings

These are suggested, but feel free to deviate to fit your theme:

Gallery, ImageFlow, General Settings:

For this one, set “Max. number of images” to zero: (Gallery, Options)

Barbara’s information

Barbara Ann Weibel, Writer/Photographer
Blog: http://holeinthedonut.com
Photo Library: http://easywebsite.net

In closing

A big thanks goes to Barbara for sharing this with me and allowing it to be posted here. Again, I hope this is helpful to some of y’all. Feel free to comment and ask questions via the comments form below!

Nothing yet is good, right?

Things have been so hectic, it hadn’t dawned on me that I hadn’t posted in a while until this afternoon. I had originally planned to post some things this passed weekend, but my headaches from Hades had other plans in mind. I’m just now catching up on last week’s and this weekend’s emails, so if you haven’t heard back from me yet … you will, just give me some time!

There’s still no word yet on whether or not we got the loan for the house. We were turned down by our current mortgage company (how screwed up is that???), but that’s ok because the rate on that loan was outrageous. We’ve been told that things look good with the new place, so I’m hoping like mad that we’ll get it, but the suspense is killing me. ;P

Oh well … no news is good news, right?

Google shares deactivated and deleted

My apologies for the duplicate posts, twits, and other notices. I never could get the kinks worked out for the Google shared items posts. I had tried several plugins, but they all had one thing in common: a simplepie core (which I think was the problem).

I’ve deleted all the posts and removed the plugins. I may look into it again later.

Was a cool idea though …

Humpday Hilarities 2

I couldn’t resist posting this 2nd bit. This is from one of my WOSIB sisters:

Children’s Science Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Ah, the mind of a child …

Humpday Hilarities

I thought this morning’s Non Sequitur would make a great funny for today.

The Con is on!

Remember last year when we attended OmegaCon? We had a blast, and considering it was the con’s first year, I’d have called it a major success. But I became worried that it had been too successful and had moved on to another town — the website had gone down, the MySpace page had gone quiet and hadn’t been updated in a coon’s age, etc. It seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet … until I re-discovered it today!

I had been sitting in a meeting and had the good fortune to be sitting near a terminal with internet access. (Google to the rescue!) I ran across a reference on a local Star Wars forum to an event called “ImagiCon.” Another quick Google and I had found the website: ImagiCon.org. From the sound of it, it’s the same con, but renamed, with a spiffy website, and by the look of it a lot more to see this year.

YAY!

Ok, so who else is going?

OK, it’s official …

… we’re for sale!

And the new house has been “marked”:

Let the madness begin.

Humpday Hilarities

This one was sent to me by one of my co-workers:

Colonoscopy

This is from newshound Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind -like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald on the subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous… A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
5. ‘You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’
6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all …

13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there? so she will quit telling everyone that I have Cranial Rectal Inversion & Optarectalosus’

Senior Year in High School … BACK in the Day!

I was tagged on Facebook for this and decided to post here. Feel free to play along in the comments below!

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!! At the end, choose 10 people (or more) to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

IN YOUR SENIOR YEAR DID YOU…

1. Did you date someone from your school? Nope.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? Nope.

3. Did you car pool to school? Nope.

4. What kind of car did you have? A Chrysler 5th Avenue (aka “the tank”)

5. What kind of car do you have now? A Hyundai Santa Fe

6. Its Friday night…where are you now? At home or out with my girlfriends.

7. It is Friday night…where were you then? Most likely at the football game.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? Cashier at Dairy Queen.

9. What kind of job do you do now? Web designer for UAB.

10. Were you a party animal? Not really.

11. Were you considered a flirt? Nope.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Not during my senior year, no. I was more into sports by then.

13. Were you a nerd? LOL, yeah pretty much.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled? Nope.

15. Can you sing the fight song? Yep, LOL!

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)? Mrs. Dawkins, Mrs. Dunn, Mrs. Wallace, Mr. Bradford, and Mr. Parker

17. Where did you sit during lunch? In the lunchroom with my friends.

18. What was your school’s full name? Corner High School

19. When did you graduate? 1993

20. What was your school mascot? Yellow Jacket

21. If you could go back and do it again,what would you do? Study more!

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Not really, my Junior Prom was a lot more fun.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? That’s a big ‘no’ there.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? Certainly!

25. Do you still talk to people from school? A couple, yeah.

26. School Colors? Black and gold.

27. What celebrities came from your high school? None that I know of …

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