Humpday Hilarities
January 28, 2009 by Nicki
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Courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Beth C:
Posted to Craig’s List Personals:
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Birmingham )
Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the brown Burberry leather jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.
I didn’t expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, because it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that COLT 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?
I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your jockey shorts. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I also called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. SoBell recently shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA’s office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I’d like to make it up to you. I’m sure you’ve already washed your jockey shorts and your pants, so I’d like to help you out. I’d like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we’ll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
– Alex
And this one is courtesy of Scott Allan:
Alabama Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.
Birmingham , Al, December 31, 2008
A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Auburn University Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Roll Tide!!! 
So far, so good
January 28, 2009 by Nicki
The meeting yesterday with the loan officer (with our current mortgage holder) went pretty well. We still won’t know for a week, maybe two, if we get the line of credit or not. Jim and I are meeting tomorrow with our realtor and the builder’s preferred mortgage company. The advertisement we were given claims they will pay the closing cost if we go with them, so we’ll see.
In the meantime, we are making lists of things to be done to our house. Pretty much the whole house needs touch-ups here and there with paint, we’ve planned to replace a few fixtures, and we’ll most likely be tearing out the current carpeting. I figure if all goes well, we’ll be listing our house on the market in two weeks.
I’m both excited and nervous as Hell.
We may have found our home
January 26, 2009 by Nicki
Jim and I had been looking on and off at houses over the past year, but nothing really serious — until recently. The last couple of weeks we’ve been looking into several subdivisions in our neighborhood and though some of them have been really nice, we hadn’t found anything that we both looked at and said, “Wow!”
Thinking that it may be time to consult a professional, we turned to the lovely Miranda‘s mother, Lou Ann (who happens to be a Remax agent). She answered all the questions we’ve had, explained some of the real estate terms with which we weren’t familiar, and drove us around to look at several houses. We visited a new subdivision that my mother had suggested to us a while back. It turns out that in the first new home available for us to see, we found our “Wow!” 
We hadn’t planned on getting a brand new home, but honestly after seeing this, I didn’t want to look at anything else — the older homes in this and the other subdivisions paled in comparison in my eyes.
It has: 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, garden tub and separate shower, walk in closets, 2-car garage, unfinished space in attic (could be finished into another room), located on a cul-de-sac (I was surprised, we’ll have to pay extra for this!). We ooh’d and aah’d all the way through the house.
At one point, Jim asked me what I thought. I told him, “You had me at ‘garden tub’.” 
These are the photos from the realtor website:
These are photos Jim took:
You can’t see a whole lot from them, but I’m hoping to go back this week and get some more photos taken. We haven’t talked to our mortgage company yet, so we are not even sure we can afford it at this point … but I so want this house! I’m crossing all fingers, toes, eyes, and anything else that can be crossed!
Wish us luck!
I’m going to take the plunge
January 21, 2009 by Nicki
I was talking with a very good friend earlier today and our conversation turned to something that has been a “weighty” subject with me lately. We were looking at some pictures Jim had taken at Christmas. I asked, “Is that really how I look?” She sweetly assured me that she would LOVE to be my size and that I am “worrying about nothing.”
Oh sure, she’s 6 ft tall and gorgeous! Granted she’s what you might call “big boned”, but she’s also got all the curves that (IMO) a “real woman” should have. I admit it, I was envious — and I was appalled.
I know I’ve touched on it now and again on here, but I hadn’t actually verbally shared my weight fears with anyone, outside of my husband and my doctor. I eat pretty well, but I could do better. I know I don’t exercise enough, and I could do better.
My biggest problem has been my appetite. When my doctor had put me on Topamax for my migraines, it did wonders! It changed my taste for soda, helping me kick that bad habit for good (even to this day, cokes still taste a little “funny” to me!). It also stifled my appetite, helping me cut out all the snacks that I was constantly going for every afternoon and night. But the Topamax did little to help my headaches, so I was put on Amitriptyline.
The Amitriptyline has helped to significantly cut the frequency and severity of my headaches, but it has also doubled my appetite! What used to fill me up (before going on ANY meds) now does little to satisfy me. So in the course of a year and a half, I’ve undone what took two years for me to gain in both desirable weight and shape.
Because you know, it’s not just about the number on the scale!
Anyways, I’ve been looking into several products to help me out in that area, and I think I’ve finally found something that I could take to help me get back on track. Anoretix. While the website has the same fantastic claims as the others, I have seen a good bit of good feedback from people who have used the product. I have talked to my doctor’s office and it doesn’t interfere with any of my current medication, but I was advised to start out taking half of the recommended dosage.
I haven’t bought it yet, but I have spent the last few days reading various complaint and diet/drug review sites to see what others who have taken it have said. I did see that they have an unconditional money back guarantee (minus the shipping, of course) and that does impress me a bit … so if I try it and it doesn’t work for me, I’m only out the shipping cost in the end.
Humpday Hilarities
January 21, 2009 by Nicki
Today’s funny bits came from my mother and mother-in-law:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ‘When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to Hell?’
The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?’
Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Momma, how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?’
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’
‘Yes,’ the class said.
‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’
A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:
‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Fantasy Fights Diamond Award
January 17, 2009 by Nicki
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New addition to the Awards page:
Congratulations on your win for the Fantasy Fights Diamond Award for 2009. The Fantasy Fights diamond award is a Free service and is presented to those sites whose web design originality and content have achieved the highest levels of excellence. Each year someone/ you must resubmit your site in order to win each year award. All 2009 awards will be removed and ready for the 2010 winners so be sure to sign up each year.
Ladie Mikala
Thank you, Ladie Mikala! 
links for 2009-01-14
January 14, 2009 by Nicki
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Helpful when you need to combine two blogs into one…
Humpday Hilarities
January 14, 2009 by Nicki
This one is from my mother:
A husband and wife were shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picked up a case of Budweiser and put it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asked the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’
A few aisles further on along the woman picked up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asked the husband.
‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’
‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.’
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down’
This one comes courtesy of one of my WOSIB sisters:
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’
The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’
God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’
God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’
The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’
Tax Forms — It’s what’s for dinner!
January 12, 2009 by Nicki
“Hi honey, how was your day?”
That may be how some spouses greet their other half. In our house it’s: “Hey babe, what’s for dinner?”
Tonight when he asked, I smiled and said, “Tax forms. Hope you’re hungry!” 
Jim happened to come home while the soup (which was wonderful BTW!) was simmering, and I was at my desk furiously tapping away at some notes on my laptop. In fact, I was in the midst of gathering the information I needed to file my taxes. Yes, I know it’s still January. I still need a couple small forms, otherwise I’ve already got everything organized and itemized, and ready to file. (I use TurboTax and love that it can save your data and let you come back later and fill in anything you’ve missed or skipped.)
Mr. Procrastination always waits until literally the last minute and files the “EZ” form online. Me, I itemize everything. I have folders FULL of receipts, records, and notes. Jim argues that itemizing doesn’t save us that much, and filing the EZ form is “so much easier” … I beg to differ. I’ve recorded every donation we’ve made to every charity in the last year. I also keep meticulous records of my medical records, prescriptions, doctor visits, and other miscellaneous medical expenses that I can claim. While it’s a bit tedious, I found that I got a couple hundred more through itemizing than I would if I had filed the EZ claim.
Of course Jim would much rather spend that time doing “something productive”. 
I swear, sometimes I think I’d get better responses by talking to the wood flooring instead. LOL!
So, what do you think?
Do you itemize? Why or why not? I’m interested!
Ode to Cute
January 12, 2009 by Nicki
Had a good weekend. Jim, Jess, and I went down to Prattville and saw Jim’s mother. We did a bit of shopping, sight-seeing, and had some really awesome barbecue (I’m talking giving Green Top a run for its money good!!!). It rained all the way down there, and all the way back. I’m so sick of all this rain, it’s giving me headaches out the wazoo.
I woke up this morning with a headache and have been in a bit of a mood. Traffic was unreal this morning, so I was late to work. I stayed up late last night watching the Armageddon/2012 specials on the History channel, so I’m tired and a little cranky. (and when I don’t get enough sleep, I’m more prone to having a headache!)
I did get a little happy moment this morning … this bit of cute was posted to my friend Sangi’s LiveJournal:
Beaker was always one of my favorite Sesame Street characters, and I thought that was just too cute not to share!
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