Humpday Hilarities

One of my coworkers sent me this:

The Female Demerit System

Do something she likes. You get points.
Do something she dislikes. Points are subtracted.
You do not get any points for doing something she expects.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her something she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)

… return with her favorite vodka (+25)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It is her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3) Okay. It is a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all you can eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all you can eat night and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

Ok, in all fairness to guys … if we’re there watching MY team +100 points. If we’re there watching HIS team, -100 points.

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called Death Cop (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say ‘It doesn’t matter. You have one also.’ (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks ‘Do I look fat?’ (-5)
Yes, you lose points no matter what.
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply ‘Where?’ (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression (0)
You listen 30 minutes (+50)
You listen 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)